To all my followers- I realize that you are all probably following me for the posts of funny Doctor Who pictures, or something like that, so I will post some funny pictures after this as a penance for two posts about depression, and I will try not to make this depressing.
I’m writing this post for two reasons- the recent suicide of Robin Williams and timing.
Let’s rewind: This time last year, I was very depressed. I was working at a job that I hated where I wasn’t treated well by my coworkers, clients, or boss. I had terrible insomnia and was very worried I was going to get addicted to sleeping pills because nothing was helping. I was considering falling back into the old habit of self-harm. But worst of all- I couldn’t draw, at all, and I hadn’t been able to all summer, which is my favorite thing to do in the world.
Every summer, I always pick a song to be my “summer song.” Usually I try and pick a fun ska song, or just something really upbeat. This year, my song was “Everything as Planned” by We Came As Romans, which you can listen to here, if you so desire (or if anyone is actually reading this) (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=5JCDyrakWm0) . While this song is very well written and emotionally complex, it is not a happy song, at all, and was exactly how I felt.
The short version is is that I was not okay, at all.
Fast forward to right now: I am working at an awesome job where I am respected and trusted by my boss and co-workers. I’m on a very good sleep schedule and have been giving at least 7 hours a night, just about every night. I can draw again and have been drawing more than ever before- I have filled up half a sketchbook in less than a month. My summer song is “Jumpin’” by the incredible Beebs and Her Money Makers (https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ttA3qORhByM)
And, most importantly, I am so happy. Has my summer been perfect? No, because everyone has bad days. That’s part of life. Honestly, my summer has been kind of boring, but I am just so happy.
So what’s the moral of this story?
The moral is that recovery is possible. The moral is that you matter. The moral is that however dark your life seems, it will get better. Maybe not tomorrow, or even in a month. But it will get better. Because life can be horrible, a lot of the time, but to be happy, you don’t have to love the bad times. You just have to wait them out and take the chance that life will be better.
I know there’s been a lot of talk about depression and suicide because of Robin Williams’ recent suicide, and hearing about that magnified my gratitude that I didn’t do that to myself. That I am still here.
I guess the moral of this post is that I am so very happy to be alive today, and I know everything could just be terrible again tomorrow, but I’m willing to take that chance now.
To anyone who suffers from depression: Your problems are real and valid and you are important. Don’t give up.